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What I Learned When I Questioned My Salvation

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For the last few months I have been attempting to form the words to express the feelings I had about the last year of my life.

Sure, a nice New Year’s Resolution article would have been a good idea, or even one welcoming our new baby that we had in December.  I could have even shared with you that I am back to blogging after taking a year’s break.  It was that year that I struggled with so intensely.

Nothing felt right.  It all felt hypocritical not to express to you, my readers, the deep dark hole I felt that I had waded through.  Sweeping it under the rug and walking into the New Year as though it never happened just felt wrong.

My struggle was not unlike many others I have heard, and it was by far, not the depths to which someone could sink, but it was my journey and maybe by my sharing it can help another not to feel so alone.

I spent much of 2014, questioning my salvation.  Due to unemployment for a few months, financial hardship when employment did come, dealing with a very sick pregnancy, struggles within our church, and trials at home, I felt confused, depressed, overwhelmed, and overall alone and very sinful.

I felt sinful because I could not muster up the courage to read my Bible.  My brain felt like mush and reading it made me realize how far from Christ I really was.

I felt sinful because I was not the mom that I should have been.  I took my children for granted.  I yelled too often and hugged too little.  I did not want to be pregnant, but I cringe to even admit that.

I hid at my computer often.  Pouring myself into my other online ventures at least helped me to forget for a while.  Some people become alcoholics or drug addicts … I become obsessed with hobbies when I am depressed.

How could I not look at who I had become and not question my salvation?

Read John 15:1-11.  My life looked nothing like this.  I knew the Bible, but I had no joy.  I had produced fruit in the past but at the time it did not look like I was persevering in faith much less obedience. 

I had said the prayer of salvation at the age of six and I had even seen fruit throughout my life that would have made, I think, most people believe I was a Christian.  I had experienced Christ in deep ways in the past, but over the course of the last couple of years things shifted and what felt like close fellowship with God turned into anxiety and selfishness.

I was not living a life that was glorifying to Christ.  My thoughts were not held captive by the Spirit, and the fruit of the Spirit was severely lacking within me, if anything it often felt forced.

If life did not already feel too hard, the idea of living a Gospel-centered life felt like a cruel joke because it felt so unattainable.

Fast forward to October, we received a phone call informing us that my best friend across the country had gone into labor at only 23 weeks and had lost her precious baby.  I spent that weekend unable to be with her, grieving for her and for her loss, unable to sleep reading the Psalms on my phone at 3am weeping in bed.

There was a moment that weekend that I cried out to God asking Him to forgive me of my sins and to save me if I was not found in Him.  I asked for Him to give me a new heart and to make me the woman, wife, and mother I knew He had called me to be.  I asked him to give me a love for this new baby we were about to give birth to and understanding for why He was giving her to us and for some reason chose to take from my friends.  I asked Him to give me a desire for His glory and a love for His will whatever that looked like.

This event did not immediately cure all of my feelings but I do believe that the Holy Spirit began working in me in ways that I had not seen in a while.  In the months that have followed I have been back in the Word and have seen God shifting my attitude away from selfish thoughts and actions.  I still struggle but I think that God is revealing an aspect of Himself to me that I had missed or forgotten before.

God is good.

We have been through six years spotted with unemployment, financial difficulty, judgment from those looking in, and an overall fear that God was very possibly using us as an example of some sort of those who are Christians but do not necessarily see tangible blessings on this earth.

Please do not get me wrong, we have now five wonderful children, whom we love dearly.  We see them as blessings from the hand of God. 

It is a peculiar feeling though, when you consistently see God remove financial gain from you that you begin to wonder what you did wrong.  It doesn’t help when everyone looking in asks you the exact same question.  A sick feeling fosters that you are irreversibly screwed up and you are never going to get out of that particular mess.  You inherently become a chronic pessimist.

It is still hard for me to wrap my brain around this but it is important that I speak truth to myself rather than dwell in the depths of my depravity.  God is good, and anything He removed from us was good for us too.

Anything that God may have removed from you was good for you too, even if it doesn’t feel or look like it.  God is good and it is all for His glory.

We are still broke financially, living paycheck to paycheck.  I still have days where I yell at my kids too much and hug them too little.  I still struggle sometimes in the fogginess of new mommy brain to focus on my Bible Study and get what I should out of it.

So what is the difference between last year and this year?

I know who God is, and I know that God knows me.  I get up in the morning and I purpose to take care of my home, be a helpmeet to my husband, and love my children better.

I own the fact that  I am a really screwed up person.  I just happen to be bought with the blood of Christ.  I will continue to be a really screwed up person until God takes me to Heaven, but I am assured that during that time The Holy Spirit will continue to help me look more like Christ and less like that ugly girl that reared her head last year.  I will overcome through Christ.

So what could you possibly take from my story that you could apply to your own life?

Sure I want you to understand that you are not alone, but I am not sure that finding friends to wallow in sin with is the best course of action either.  Testimonies are meant to edify other believers, right?

I want to tell you why I think an entire year of questioning my salvation was not only good for me, but I believe God ordained it, and I would like to share with you a few things that really helped me to process my feelings and convictions.

What should you do when you question your salvation?

I want to make it clear that I do not believe that one can lose his salvation.  The Bible is utterly clear on the doctrine of the perseverance of the saints.  If you are not found in Christ in the afterlife, then you were never saved to begin with.

Romans 8:38-38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

  • Pray.  So often I run to my best friend before I ever run to God to share all my troubles.  I love the stories in the Old Testament of the patriarchs and their relationships with God.  So many of them were so dysfunctional and yet God met them where He had them.  Take the prayer of Abraham for example in Genesis 18, when God is talking about destroying Sodom and Gomorrah.  He asks a dozen different times if God would spare them for this number of righteous people or that number.  It seems trite as you are reading it.  Here Abraham is mincing numbers with God, and yet God listens like a patient Father - much like you might with your children letting them ask their 500 questions before giving your stern answer which you just happened to have given five times before that.  God is a good Father and He wants His children to come to Him with everything.
  • Read and speak the promises of God’s Word to yourself.  There is nothing like Scripture to convict, to teach, and to heal.   It is a salve for open wounds and a butcher knife when it needs to be.  Go to God’s Word and ask him to cut off those things that are wicked in your life and to heal those open wounds that seem to consistently be reopened.
  • Talk to your spouse.  If you have a believing spouse you need to share this with him.  A wedge will grow between you if you do not, or it may already have.  Spiritual turmoil can bring out some of the worst in us whether it be an ugly attitude or depression, name your poison.
  • Talk to a friend or someone in the church.  Do you have a godly woman in your life who you could talk to about what you are going through?  Go to someone you know who is familiar with the Scriptures and can lead you to them and also pray with and for you.
  • A note to the friends: Do you know someone struggling with whether or not they are saved? I would advise you not to immediately shut them down by telling them not to be concerned.  They may very well be saved, and you may very well be assured of their salvation and know they are just going through a rough patch, but I would suggest not only to pray with and for them but also walk with them as they search out the scriptures and reevaluate certain things in their life.  Sometimes we need to feel pain, because without those things progress cannot occur.
  • Do not ignore it.  Do not just assume that because you said a prayer one day after walking down an aisle that, that somehow absolves you from ever having to grapple with hard truths.  Often questioning ones salvation leads one to explore the depths of their depravity, the attributes of God, and their entire understanding of the Gospel itself. This can be a glorious revelation and revival in one’s life.  Please do not fear it so much that you ignore it and miss the blessing of the assurance that comes with not only salvation but a life LIVED in Christ.  Assurance based on an event once upon a time is not assurance … it might be “insurance” … but its not assurance.

Digging into the Word

The Bible tells us what a saved person looks like.  The Bible also tells us what an unsaved person looks like (John 15).  When you find yourself straddling the fence between these two descriptions, or even worse, looking more like one over the other it is a good time to take immediate stock.

It is a false claim to suggest that just the act of questioning one’s salvation is an abhorrent practice, and sinful in and of itself.  We live in a time where walking an aisle and saying a few words in a prayer is a seal to ones “salvation” rather than an actual life changing, indwelling of the Holy Spirit enacting a life producing visible fruit.  Can the two coexist? Absolutely!  But words in and of themselves are just words, not magic.  A prayer without life change is meaningless.

James 2: 17 So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead

If you are finding yourself questioning whether or not you a saved, then I implore you to keep seeking God in the matter.  God finishes what He begins.  Life in Christ is about sanctification and it takes time - all the time that Christ keeps us on this earth.  Questioning your salvation could be part of His actually converting you or it could be part of His plan to sanctify you.  Only the Holy Spirit can reveal God to you so ask for Him to open up your heart and mind to understand the mind of God.

Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion.

Hebrews 11:6 And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

Know that you are utterly defected and devastatingly depraved.  In this matter it is a good thing to have low esteem for yourself and yet high esteem for Christ and His work on the cross … “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23

Believe the Gospel.  Jesus is the only way to Heaven, and without Him you will die and be separated from God eternally (John 14:6).  Jesus purchased salvation on the cross (Romans 5:8) and by His resurrection for those His Father gave Him from before time (Ephesians 1:4), and it is by His Holy Spirit that those saved are sealed for eternity (2 Corinthians 1:22).  Pray that God would show you how to live for Him and not for the world.  Pray that He will give you a new heart and desire for the things of God and not for yourself. 

I suggest you read through the book of John.  My husband bought me a new study Bible for Christmas and I am finding that the study notes are so helpful as I am going through to help me process the Scripture I am reading above.  For now, I am actually using that in place of a devotional book.  I am reading through John and I am being very encouraged and maybe you will be too.

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Lindsey

I am a wife to a wonderful husband and mother to four beautiful children five and under: three girls and one boy. I am a disciple of Christ and I am fulfilling my role to my husband and family as a homemaker. I began The Road to 31 almost two years ago in an effort to focus more as I studied the Word of God and researched those things which were important to me. I found that God used The Road to 31 within my own life to bring community to my front door and allowed me to minister and be ministered to by other women who are walking along the same road as I.
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Comments

  1. I don’t know why the past year happened the way it did, but sometimes, I believe that God puts some of us through trials because he knows we can handle them (even when we feel we cant) and he wants us to share our story with others when we come out the other side. Thank you for sharing yours. There are so many of us who needed to read it.

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  2. Thank you for sharing this and being brave enough the share! I am encouraged to open my Bible more and let it impact my life. Congratulations on your new baby!!

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    • Thank you so much Norah for the encouragement. I’m not brave, just saved by grace 😉 Thank you - our new baby is really awesome and gave me a whole 8 hours of sleep last night!

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  3. I’m so glad you posted this. I have been struggling the past few months. I needed to read your reminder to take it to God first and hear that I have not been alone in my struggles. God always sends me a sign at just the right moment when I need it most. Thank you for allowing Him to work through you and be my sign of His compassion and love when I really needed it. Adding you to my prayers.

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    • Heather, I am so sorry that you have been struggling through. It is neat how the Lord works isn’t it? Praying that He walks you through this darkness and into His glorious light as He comforts you and teaches you.

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  4. Thank you for sharing your struggle. May God be praised for His Amazing Grace! I will pray for you and your family. Congratulations on your new baby!

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    • I must admit that the more children I have the stronger the struggle is and I hate that. Children are such a blessing!

      And homeschooling and such should be a joy because we are sharing Christ with our children, and for some reason it ends up being a burden

      The Devil really knows what he is doing and that is why we must rely on Christ all the more!
      Lindsey recently posted…What I Learned When I Questioned My SalvationMy Profile

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  6. What a heartfelt testimony! Your encouragement for others is lovely. I struggled desperately for a few years. Not with doubt all the time but with a thyroid/hormonal illness! I was saved Oct 15 2002 with such incredible gratitude and joy to The Lord for taking me out of my dark pit!! When my illness started after my second child in my late 30’s my life fell apart… I couldn’t hold anything together… I was given more than I could bear. In a sense. I now see what a beautiful work God did in me through it. I had become very legalistic, very works based, my heart had waxed cold in it. Knowledge was greater than love. Yet I couldn’t let go because of my pride. Praise the Lord He is faithful when we are faithless and he’s a jealous God not allowing us to stray too far away but just enough. I was forced to let go of my ideals and trust and love Him and others. It was sooooooooooo hard for me. I felt so alone. I am very grateful you posted this to comfort our sisters. Meeting a new friend that went through what I did was a miracle for me :-) I pray you’ll be used abundantly through your hope and humility!!!
    Rom 5:3,4 We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope!!!!

    Reply

    • Oh those hormones can really do a number on us can’t they? I have a few friends with chronic hormonal issues like yourself and it is miserable.

      Thank you for sharing your testimony with me! It blessed me! I absolutely do the same where I put too high of standards expecting to be perfect, and I forget that it is all through Christ. I can’t do any of this on my own. Such an important truth!
      Lindsey recently posted…What I Learned When I Questioned My SalvationMy Profile

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  7. Lindsey,
    I too have gone through something similar recently. Through it all, what God has shown me is quite amazing. I learned that I had believed so many lies from Satan about God. God in turn showed me His how much He really does love me and how interested He is in literally every detail of my day. That was mind-blowing. Another thing I learned is that I had imposed some standards upon myself that seemed Christian but were not biblical. I had this idea of what a Christian mom and homemaker looked like and was working toward that goal. God showed me that although none of those things were bad, they were not biblical and I was putting myself under a yoke I was not meant to bear. Giving that up felt like a load lifted off my shoulders literally. Finally, after showing me where I was wrong in my thinking, He showed me what I needed to do. You know, the whole put off/put on biblical principle. I needed to start seeking to learn more about God again. I needed to accept the grace He gives everyday and obey the Holy Spirit in His leading throughout the day. I learned how to apply I John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” All we have to do as Christians is confess our sins and allow God to do the changing from within. For the past month and a half, most of the sermons I have heard through Sunday School, morning service, evening service, and special meetings we’ve attended, most of them had to do with getting back to the basics: reading God’s Word, prayer, and loving God each day like we did when we first got saved. I hope this is a blessing for you and your readers. Hang in there, look to Jesus, and seek to grow closer and closer to Him each day.

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    • Yes, it is so true that the “basics” are so important. Those keep us grounded and as God grows us which He will we can broaden our scope. We need God’s Word so much yet we run to it so little. That is my biggest priority right now is getting to my reading first thing in the morning. Thank you for sharing your testimony with me.
      Lindsey recently posted…What I Learned When I Questioned My SalvationMy Profile

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  8. I find this prayer by Thomas Merton to be helpful putting some of these feelings into words:

    MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
    • Thomas Merton, “Thoughts in Solitude”
    © Abbey of Gethsemani

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  9. Hi Lindsey,
    I echo what others have said - thank you for sharing. And thank you for your transparency. I know it is not easy to admit these things to others, let alone admit them to yourself. I know this because I have walked similar roads in my not-so-distant past, wondering how I can fall into the same pits if I am really any further down this road of sanctification He has me on. Satan uses anxiety & depression as a shovel (maybe even an excavator at times) to help is dig our pits deep.
    Thankfully, our God is a God of new beginnings, and He does make all things new - even my negative, self-filled, woe-is-me, crazy-cycle things. If I take the time to look up at Him (out of myself), He always shows me something beautiful.
    In addition to being a naturally anxious person, I struggle every year with SAD, and was in full swing with it just after Christmas. Then He led me to a book by Anne Voskamp called “One Thousand Gifts.” This book has been a huge blessing, and a wonderfully cutting reminder to me to practice being grateful - giving thanks for things that I normally overlook. This may sound like something that is not new, but my Gracious Father reminds me in new ways all the time how much He loves me, and how much I can be thankful for even when things seem empty and dark. If you haven’t read this, I encourage you to pick it up. I will caution you that the first chapter will not be especially uplifting, but bear with Anne as she takes you on her journey up and out of the pit of despair that had become her everyday life.
    May the Lord bless you and your family in this year to come,
    Sharon

    Reply

    • Sharon and Lindsey
      As fellow sisters in Christ, I do urge you both to please take take to look into the link I pasted below regarding concerns on Ann Voskamp’s book, “One Thousand Gifts.”

      http://apprising.org/2012/05/28/concerning-one-thousand-gifts-by-ann-voskamp/

      As believers we should not only encourage one another but also warn against unbiblical material and wolves in sheeps clothing too. Sorry to say that but I hope you will be open minded and understand once you read the link. This comes from a very solid and reliable Godly man (who just past away last fall) who has been doing decearnment studies on people for a long time. The website is called “Appraising Ministries” with Ken Sylvia. Ann Voskamp’s book is a book I too have only because the ladies bible study I was in at our previous fellowship decided to read through it. At that time I did not have very good decearnment(And I’m not saying either one of you do not….I’m saying “I” didn’t) nor did I really check out authors or teachers much. I just took everyone else’s advise……Not a good thing. (Please make sure you always do your own research on people and authors before reading or doing book studies. I’ve learned alot!) Anyway, I too at the time,thought it sounded like a very encouraging book with the exception of some strange things Ann mentioned as far as her “sensual” relationship with Christ. But later learned after praying for more discernment and doing my own research that people such as Ann Voskamp, Beth Moore, Sara Young (Yes, I did say those names and I’m sure you’re furious right now with me, but I plead with you to please look into these people and ask the Lord to reveal what it is you need to see. They are full of mysticism and twisting of biblical texts)are not people I wish to teach or encourage me. I DO highly recommend(and don’t take my word, do your own reasearch as I mentioned earlier) a book called “In the Fullness of Joy” by Susan Heck. It’s a book that does a study on the book of Phillipians. It was highly recommended by Justin Peters, another discernment teacher….

      http://justinpeters.org…

      Again, look into him too. We already personally know him and is a very solid godly man, but I always want people to not make the same mistake I once did and just take my word for it. Please check him out. You may be glad you did. He’s great to listen to… He did speak at McArthur’s “Strange Fire” Conference. Anway, getting off the bunny trail…please take time to go to the links I pasted.

      Reply

      • Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I definitely am one to search out if a book I am about to read is biblically grounded or not. Thank you for being kind enough to share this information. I appreciate it.

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  10. I had just come to my computer (honestly do not know why I am subscribed to your blog) to escape for a moment, feeling my Monday not going well. Thank you for sharing, THANK YOU for being “real” and putting it all out there. I understand, I struggle, thank you! Thank you for your post.

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  11. Thank You for posting this! You have been shown grace and have shown courage in being REAL!!! We can be lights for God when we get real in front of others as this makes them realize that we still struggle and HE pulls us through, He uses our struggles for His Good, for His Glory! He reminds us, teaches us, redefines us through these lessons which all turn into blessings when we LISTEN to HIM! God Bless you & your family!

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  13. Lindsey,
    Thank you for taking the time to pour your heart out to us and for your honesty. I can say by reading your article has greatly encouraged me today…wonderful advice at the end for those that may need it today. May God bless you. I always enjoy your blog posts…thank you for what you do :)
    crystal mccord recently posted…Frugal Girls’ Bedroom Makeover.My Profile

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  14. thank your for being honest and sharing your frailty with us. I, like many others, am inspired by this post and can relate as I have experienced something very similar.

    It is amazing how God can work through these tough times, times when we are feeling so low, lonely and vulnerable, to show us His constant, unfailing love. Thank you for you testimony and for reminding us we are all sinful and lost except for God’s grace.
    Blessings to you.

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  15. I really appreciate you sharing this with us, Lindsey. I actually went through the same thing this past year. I was too ashamed & embarrassed to tell anyone so I suffered alone. It was like an unbearable wilderness. But the Lord used it for my good and has even given me opportunities to comfort others going through the same darkness now. Don’t give in to doubt, be unrelenting in prayer, cling to Christ & His Word! God is faithful.

    Reply

    • I understand those feelings! I have actually had a couple of real life friends approach me about this post at church and I really struggled to even talk to them about it. These things can be embarrassing.

      I am so glad to know that the Lord has used your experience in your life as well to grow you and others!
      Lindsey recently posted…What I Learned When I Questioned My SalvationMy Profile

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  16. Thank you for posting your very REAL life problems as they echo what my family and friends experience. I have found so many of my friends suffer from some problems (financial/child bearing/illness) that they keep hidden from public view, but suffer with in private. I keep thinking of the Jews in exile in Babylon, having everything material and even their dignity taken away from them, for years!, saved from massacre by Esther’s courage, before returning to rebuild their home land through faith. God is providing for me, but not a windfall, literally $20 or so at a time from the most unexpected places!, when it’s most desperately needed, just enough to keep going, to buy food or gas, to keep reminding me to be faithful, even when it feels like we are in exile from the homeland. Thank you for your courage to post your struggles!

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    • We have been in the same boat as you for the last 6 years. God showing His faithfulness in very small ways but still keeping you depending on Him fully. It can be depressing sometimes and joyous others. You are right though - God has shown His faithfulness through the ages, first to Israel and now to those grafted in. We can depend on His promises!
      Lindsey recently posted…What I Learned When I Questioned My SalvationMy Profile

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  17. Thank you for writing from your heart! God definitely used you to speak to my heart. Thank you and I am praying for you ~ Amy

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  18. Your post couldn’t have come at a better time. I haven’t stepped inside a church since 2010. I haven’t read my Bible in a while. I told my husband I couldn’t and would no longer call myself a christian because I was overwhelmed by what I thought a christian was. Having children seemed to invite a lot of criticism and free advice about how to be a good christian wife and mom. I just broke under the pressure. I spoke to other christian women but they didn’t seem to understand what I was going through. They just said it would pass. I’ve felt alone and ashamed and confused. I teach christian based home school to my girls and I feel terrible explaining something I seem to barely grasp. Your testimony and suggestions have been such a blessing. I thank God that you felt moved to write this. Thanks.

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    • Lorie,

      I don’t even know what to say. Your comment has me in tears. I would do the whole horrible year over again just to know that God was really able to use this in someone’s life to bring them to Himself.

      You know I find that some of the harshest and ungodly criticism can sadly come from some people inside the church. When that happens I have to remind myself that - that is not what the church is. That is not who Christ is.

      Sure we are sinful, there is judgment involved, but once we recognize the depths of our sinfulness and how much God hates that sin, the Holy Spirit arrives to cut away the sinfulness, to create in us a new heart that desires to live for Christ, and heals us with God’s Word and through prayer. With the confession comes peace. With the peace comes joy in a Savior who we look forward to being with for all eternity.

      It is so easy for us sometimes to lose track when life caves in around us … children, financial problems, health issues … all of these things can overwhelm and we feel too flooded to go to the foot of the cross. It feels to hard.

      If we trust Christ as Lord and Savior though He will meet us and will carry us. He will not let you tarry too long because whatever He begins in you He will finish - You will persevere to the end and overcome! We are promised!

      I am so sorry that you have been incredibly overwhelmed and that you haven’t found help in your church. If you ever would like to talk please feel free to email me at lindsey@theroadto31.com. I would love to talk with you.
      Lindsey recently posted…What I Learned When I Questioned My SalvationMy Profile

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  19. I loved this post. Thank you for your courage and transparency. It was inspiring to me.

    I can also relate to a lot of what you said, including being broke and feeling like a screwed up person. What has really helped me is to read (out loud, and regularly) who God says I am. A couple years ago I did a blog post on that, I’ll share it if it’s OK with you: http://www.ashestobeauty.net/your-amazing-identity-in-christ/

    I’m glad I found your blog… God bless you!!!

    lily
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  20. I am reminded as I ready this truthful post, that Christ doen’t just save us from the “little” things…lying, stealing, coveting, swearing - He saves is from those deep, dark places that we try desperately to hide. I am reminded of the prositute in the Bible - she bore her shame outloud, out front, and public - for all to see, specualte and comment on. Yet Christ saw a sad, hurt and broken women who sinned. He healed her heart and forgave her sins. Those ugly, stubborn, all-too-deep and dark sins. His heart melted with love and compassion, because he knew that if the sin wasnt hurting her enough, the embarrassment and ridicule was vingar in her wound. I CLING to a Savior who sees those hideous places in my heart, because He understands me and forgives me. Testifying to His BIGNESS is such a blessing to Him. Thank you for sharing that GOD IS BIG ENOUGH to cleanse us! He died for those sins :)

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  21. Lindsey, I have been blessed by your blog and am now by your honesty. Thank you for being transparent even though it was very hard to do so. As a mom of 7 who has been homeschooling for 9 years, I empathize with your struggles, but I am so grateful that God’s mercies are new every morning. Rest assured that God chose you and your husband to be your children’s parents, when he could have chosen anyone. God’s Word does not return void. Keep reading, keep praying, keep talking about it with your children when you sit, when you rise up, when you walk along the road…I am praying for you, and your family.

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  22. Oh, dear Lindsey! I don’t usually reply to blogs, but I want to tell you that your testimony of how the Lord is working in your life is worth reading! I’m relating to almost every single point you made: intense internal struggles over my own salvation, anger toward my children who are home with me all day and even toward my husband who has been un/underemployed for four years and counting! Plus, we have the pressing need to relocate to a lower cost of living area asap. I am so weary trying to carry the many burdens singlehandedly — often feeling like not even Jesus is with me through this long season! I sometimes beg God to renew a right heart in me and to restore my love for Him. I’m making myself read about the gospel, God’s love, prayer, etc., and now I’m intentionally studying Philippians so I, like Paul, can learn the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need — at the same time (yes, too much stuff is preventing us from putting our house on the market to sell). Paul was able to rejoice in all circumstances. I so desire joy in my life again! Thank you for sharing your heart and giving us godly wisdom to not ignore what we’re struggling with in this deep valley!

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  23. Thanks for your complete honesty! Praise The Lord for your humility. Have you heard about blueletterbible.org? It is a great help for studying the Bible. Also, have you heard of livingwaters.com? It is a great evangelism tool and help to understanding the Bible as well. I have been greatly blessed by both and just wanted to share. Blessings to you and yours!

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  24. First of all I praise the Lord for putting women like you in my path. Every time I read one of your emails I can’t help to be so encouraged and convicted by how God has really worked in you and how it challenges me to keep striving to be who God wants me to be. You are “real” in your ways. You don’t beat around the bush and you present the gospel and tell people how they can become born again by TRUTH, not fluff or false leadings. Thank you for that! This latest email of yours I believe is the best I have read so far. It literally put me into tears and convicted me in my ways and to share with others. I was so moved and broken when reading it that I couldn’t help myself but to just cry. I could relate to your situation in similar ways and praised the Lord that he put your email before me to help me once again to see my sins and acknowledge once again, that I am a wretch….but a wretch who was saved by the grace of God and too was bought by the blood of Christ! I went ahead and forwarded your email to many friends and some family that I ,know are even lost in which I pray God will be glorified and that if its his will that eyes may be opened and others will be given ears to hear! And also to help encourgage those who do know the Lord as well, as it has encouraged me! Thank you for all the encouragement you have brought to so many of us and myself! As believers we need to share our struggles and bear one anothers burdens. May God continue to bless you and your family in all your days ahead! And congratulations on your new little blessing!

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  25. Thank you Lindsey, I really needed to read this today. I too have been struggling and was beginning to wonder if the message I had received years ago concerning my salvation still stood true today, but then I think, Jesus knew me then and and even knew the me I would become.

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  26. I believe we go through trials to help us grow in patience, which leads to experience, which leads to hope. Romans 5:3. In our tribulations we gain patience needed to wait on the Lord, experience which let’s us help others going through similar tribulations, finally hope. The blessed hope of our Lords return. This verse helps me get through our struggles (which seem to be many). Another verse I keep close to my heart is Luke22:31 And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat:
    Satan would have you question your salvation, doubt yourself as a christian, add confusion to your life. All that he throws at me everyday, if I stay out of the book I get deeper into the mire and further away from God. I know for me in order to stay close to God I must read the bible, turn off the world and read, and some days I actually have to force myself to do that. Its good reading someone elses testimony to see I am not alone in my struggles. Thank you for sharing.

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  27. Thank you for your honesty. Struggle is a hard thing to share but it encourages others when we take that leap of faith and do what God is asking of us. Blessings come when we obey so be on the lookout! Praying for you and your family Lindsey.
    Marisa recently posted…Procrastination Conquerors #1My Profile

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  28. Thank you for sharing your troubles and celebrations. Many of the feelings you have recently had are plaguing me now. It gives me hope of coming through this hard time just as you have.

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    • I am so sorry that you are struggling with these feelings too. All I can say is that it really does help to let people close to you know what is going on and to force yourself to be in God’s Word. It may take a while but if we are in Christ He does soften our hearts and bring us closer to Himself.

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  29. Lindsey,
    Thank you for sharing! I’m not one to respond, but felt compelled to tell you that I’m going through a similar situation now. I’m not questioning my salvation, but whether I’m really in God’s will. I have left a career and chosen to homeschool my children 2 years ago. As soon as we decided to homeschool, my husband lost his job. He quickly found another job. But January of 2014, he lost his job again and still has not found a job. I know this is to test my faith and strengthen me, but it’s really scary. I’m trying to live by faith and not by sight, but I’m getting ready to go back to work full time. I thank you for your testimony, because it has reminded me that it’s always to build us. Even though I don’t hear God now, he is there and guiding.
    I pray for your transition with your new baby to be easy and enjoyable. God Bless You and this site. I am truly encouraged by your testimony.

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  30. Lindsey,

    Reading this post was like reading a book on my life. Last year (and still…) has/had me questioning my salvation. I want to print out this article as a reference/encouragement because it is real and is drenched in Gospel truths! I praise God for you, and even though I do not rejoice in others going through deep valleys, I DO rejoice in witnessing God’s mercies. You have spoken deeply to many people, including myself, by God’s grace. Thank you for your humility!

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  31. I’ve been following your blog since becoming a homeschool mom this past year…MERCY! This walk is NOT for the faint of heart. God calls those whom he equips.
    My story is very similar…working for 13 years non stop but still living paycheck to paycheck was all I knew.
    After living like this and seeing my faith almost disappear, something had to give….so I did…I gave up and asked God to show Himself strong. He created us to be the head and not the tail.
    When I tell you God is doing amazing things behind the scenes….believe me, He’s got it all in control.
    I was unemployed since July 2014…mortgage company said oh ok, thanks for sharing, but where’s our money…we are backed up on our mortgage…but God!
    A week ago I prayed and left it alone…today I am expecting to make almost $2500 a week!
    God will make you a lender and not a borrower, I am a living witness.
    Let me know if you want to be a financial and spiritual blessing for your family…it’s working for me.

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