5 Ways a Friend Can Support a Grieving Mother

I lost my daughter almost 7 years ago. I was 18 weeks pregnant and it all happened so fast, that I was left completely empty and with my husband’s job, I felt alone a lot of the time, too. Over the years, it seems that about once a month or so, I get an email, text or phone call with a friend asking me for advice about how to comfort a grieving friend… what to say? what to do?

I have been putting off writing on this topic for a while. First of all, I’m not an expert and half of the time, I don’t realize that this applies to me. The sad, yes devastating fact is that everyone is either in the group of infant/pregnancy loss or knows someone who has lost or will lose a precious life.

Please note this strongly, not everyone is going to be comforted by the same thing or have the same needs.

My season of life was very full, I had two toddler boys and my husband was in the army preparing for a deployment when our world was shattered. I had legitimate needs: my body needed rest, my family needed fed, my soul needed a holy fixation, errands needed running, and our household had to continue functioning. I remember feeling no desire to do any of these things and was so blessed that my mom came to spend a week with me, and when she left, my in-laws came for another week. My children were spoiled and loved on, as I rested and mourned.

During this difficult time, I was a part of a mom’s fellowship (MOPS) and the ladies immediately started a meal chain and brought gifts for my two boys as well as trying diligently to fill my life with pleasant distractions. I was so blessed, but as time passed, my grief didn’t lessen as one would think. There was still an overwhelming amount of emotional pain and emptiness, but I felt guilty mourning and I didn’t think anyone wanted to talk to me about it anymore. I was blessed by God, in His generous grace, as He quickly brought several friends into my life that I could relate with about this issue. These women and I visit with messages anytime any of us are having a difficult day or when I consulted them for their suggestions on what to share with you.

By God’s grace and with the help of friends, I think I may just have a few suggestions for you as to how you might bless and encourage a friend you may have struggling through the same tragedy.

1.) Be Present

You don’t actually have the right words, there are NO right words. Even if you find the right words, this poor mama is most likely feeling numb and preoccupied, there’s a good chance that she really will not retain what you said. I know I don’t remember many words, but I remember faces, hugs, meals, and those who checked in on me. Being present is the most important thing you can do.

On the flipside of that, withdrawing -distancing yourself is the most painful thing that you can do to your friend. It’s going to be uncomfortable for you, but you are just going to have to lay down your life and be there for your friend. Please, don’t leave us alone, when the visits no longer fill up a day, when the phone stops ringing, the emails stop flowing, and the mailbox is empty… that’s when the grieving really is the most bitter. Cry with your friend.

2.) Affirm God’s Goodness

There are only 3 words that were spoken to me when I was at the hospital that I remember. Only 3 words that resonate in my heart and on my mind when I remember those days: “God is good”. My pastor stood over me and said “God is good!”.. “Maggie, look at me, God is good.” … “God is good”… “Do you hear me, God is good”. I remember thinking “you’re right, God is good. Theologically, Biblically, I know this. I don’t know how God is good right now, but I know God is good.” The truth has sunk in over the years and I know that God is good because His intention for us is that we would be conformed to the image of Christ (Romans 8).  Though it may not seem good for us, we know that God works ALL things together for good. Just as struggling with a difficult child conforms us more to His image, struggling through the loss of a child will conform us, if we walk with Jesus, to His likeness.

3.) Remember this Life

Keepsake gifts are VERY special. The hospital fixed up a special little box for me that had blankets and hats that she had worn and ultrasound photos and a little book to comfort siblings through the loss. A few weeks later, my close friend and college roommate mailed me a precious little box that she had decorated and filled with cards and keepsakes. It doesn’t have to be a huge, expensive thing, but the keepsake lets us know that you recognize that we had a child.. a loved child that was unbelievably priceless to us, and that child is gone. Here’s a link to a store that has very tasteful ideas.  CLICK HERE to see I am the Mother of an Angel store.

4.) Provide Long Lasting Support

Have you lost a baby through miscarriage, still birth or infant death? Do you mourn and ache with infertility? The greatest and longest lasting gift that you can give is support.

Some of the most encouraging things to me were stories from women at my church of how they had lost a baby in a similar season and way, then God gave them 2 more, 6 more, 1 more.. however many, those rainbow stories offered an entire world of encouragement.

God has given me 4 more since we lost our little girl. Also, my three ladies know who they are, they are my support team. We have all moved in different directions, our families have grown and our lives have changed, but I will be knit together with these women in my heart for all of my life. They are precious and priceless to me. God puts them on my heart to pray for often and I would not be where I am in healing without them. We don’t ever see each other, but with the luxury of social media, it is still functioning support.

5.) Be Specific When You Offer to Help

This may be the golden ticket for you that just HAVE to do something. You can’t sit back, you feel the undeniable urge to serve your friend. That’s great! Just try to be careful not to put the ball in her court.  

Don’t leave your offer open ended, but rather say “This week, if it is ok, then I’m going to bring your family dinner, what night would be best? Are there food allergies? What time should your meal arrive?” or, “I can tell you need some time to rest, please drop your little one(s) off at my house for a play date on Tuesday”.

One friend said that she had a friend come to her home and give her a new hairstyle. I had a friend pick me up (after my body had time to heal) for a shopping day. Another friend brought several of her kids over and they cleaned my home for me. There are a lot of practical and tangible ways that you can serve a family in this kind of season and your  kindness will be remembered for many years to come.

For the Bereaved Father

My husband graciously agreed to read over this for me and wanted to add that for each Christian, it’s important to be daily feasting on the word of God. He had been studying and meditating on Psalms 27.  He recalls that the moment the doctors told us that our baby wasn’t going to make it, verse 13 immediately came to mind ( “I would have despaired unless I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land”), he says that having that on his heart during that season softened the pain of our loss and would like to encourage all believers to invest time into daily Bible reading and meditating on verses.

Comforting Scriptures

I wanted to leave you with a few Bible verses that have brought me comfort over the years.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”- 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”- Psalms 34:18

“Fear not, for I am with you;be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”- Isaiah 41:10

“I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the in the land of the living.”- Psalm 27:13

A Prayer

Dear most heavenly Father, You are the Giver of all good things, the creator and sustainer of all life. I know that You work all things together for good and for Your glory and that often, You call us to go through the storm before we see sunshine.  God I pray for families that are mourning the loss of a baby. I pray that you would be their greatest and most constant source of comfort, that they would walk closer to you than ever before and worship you in broken humility. God please be with the loved ones of these families, give them the wisdom and the courage to be vessels of grace for your glory alone, amen.

Read the Rest of Maggie’s Testimony in God is Good: The Story of Abigail.